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Some handy one-liners to entertain your guests

by Bruno Deshayes on 20 Apr 2017 permalink
When my wife discovered I was using the sofa as a trampoline, she hit the roof.

I told a dwarf a joke - it went right above his head.

I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

She said she was sick of me. Undeterred I bought her a get well card.

My ex-wife said she wanted to dance on my grave. So I arranged for a burial at sea.

The magic hasn't gone out of our marriage. He still disappears every few weeks...

He's not a complete idiot... some parts are missing.

I never drink coffee at work but I toss and turn at my desk all day.

I told my shrink I thought I was a dog. At my next appointment, he wouldn't let me up on the couch.

If you're feeling unwanted or insignificant... try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.

If God is watching us...we'd better be entertaining...

I bought myself an iPhone, I bought my son an iPad and my daughter an iPod. Finally I bought my wife an iRon.

The drought forced a farmer to turn his field into an auto-parts junkyard. From that time on every year was a bumper crop.

French people do not like fast food. They eat snails instead.

My passport photo does not do me justice. Someone said: "You don't need justice - you need mercy!"

A woman turned me down for a date... I had to explain I wanted to have dinner with her - not having her for dinner.

The government promised me a stimulus package...instead I got a raft of measures.

In a volatile market you want to make sure your liquid assets don't go down the drain.

All the toilets have been stolen from police headquarters. At this stage detectives have nothing to go on.

A giant hole has appeared in the middle of Main Street. Authorities are looking into it.

What does the mayonnaise say to the fridge? Close the door, I am dressing!

I knew a man who was so fat, as a volunteer fire-fighter he would put out fires by just sitting on them!

Seventy per cent of the earth surface is covered with water. The remaining thirty per cent is mostly covered with mortgages.

I have opened an account at a no-frills bank. There are no security cameras. Instead the security guard draws a sketch of everyone who walks in.


When will you learn to speak your partner's emotional language?

by Bruno Deshayes on 13 Apr 2017 permalink
emotional languageUnless it is packaged in the right format, you are wasting your time expressing love or regret. If you don't hit the right chord for that person, it won't come across as sincere and genuine.

That's an astounding truth but it has caused many relationships to go awry. Why? We blindly assume that everybody else communicates appreciation or apology the same way we do ourselves. Because most of us are self-centred we only realize we have a communication problem when it is too late.

Some people will only take on board your token of love, appreciation or affection if you speak to them words of affirmation. Others simply want you to spend quality time with them. There is a group where nothing registers unless you present them with a gift. (Not necessarily something expensive, but something thoughtful, something you made yourself for them, something that demonstrates you know their taste...) others still really enjoy when you do things for them, help out in a thoughtful way. Finally there are those who need physical touch. If it's a man that can be a hug, a double handshake, a pat on the shoulder, etc...

Likewise when you've goofed something and it is your call to apologize you have also to deliver your message in the right shape. Some people will only forgive you if you express regret by saying to their face: "I am sorry". Others want you to take responsibility for your mistake. There is a group of folks who won't be moved unless you make restitution in some way. Another type are those who expect you to take action to avoid a repeat of your mistake. Finally there are those who simply expect you to ask them for their forgiveness.

As you can see there is quite some variety out there and people don't walk around in life with a sign around their neck telling you their emotional language predilection. Ignore it at your own peril. The default behaviour is to express lover or regret the same way, you yourself like to receive it. When it does not work you have some homework to do. The wonderful thing about falling in love is that you can for a while ignore your setbacks and press on expressing yourself in different ways until you hit that person's hot button. But what happens when the routine has settled in 5 or 10 years down the track? You wrongly assume that because you've known each other for quite some time now you have somewhat mingled in your love and apology languages and yours is as good as mine. Wrong! Danger! You need to fan into flame the first bond that got you started in the first place and re-live each day as a new day.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Rob says:
Bruno, thanks so very much for these insights, very helpful. Hope we can catch up in person the next time you are back in Sydney. Rob


Wedding Speech

by Bruno Deshayes on 06 Apr 2017 permalink

I honour you as the next generation. Those of us who have almost ran our race pass the baton over to you and wish you all the very best. It is a courageous thing to get married these days in a world that has clearly lost its marbles - yet you are very wise in making a lifelong commitment to uphold each other and do life together.

Make sure you guard your quality time together and with the Lord. A couple who can worship together at home is a couple who will be able to tune-in to the voice of God. Sometimes the Scriptures alone do not give us a clear path to go to. It is a humbling experience to find that God sometimes chooses to guide you through a picture, a word or a dream given not to you but to your spouse.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment to uphold and build up each other. It is the bedrock of society where we learn management and social skills - where we raise children in an environment of peace, trust and protection giving them both a male and female role model to look up to. No wonder the family is under attack in our society because some minorities are itching to root out Christian values from our institutions while the majority is doing next to nothing to protect them.

Men are blessed with a logical mind and can work tirelessly on a distant lifelong goal like a career, building a house, etc... Women have a great intuition, share their emotions openly and can handle multiple tasks all at the same time. Use those attributes to complement but not to undermine each another. God made each one of us lopsided so that it is only when we come together that we are complete. If you have issues with that - talk to Him. After all He is your Creator.

Do not try to change each other either by brute force or by constant nagging. Instead ask yourself: How can I facilitate my husband to become the man God intended him to be? How can I facilitate my wife to become the woman God intended her to be? Develop the discipline of turning off the TV, the internet and put the phone on hold while you look into each other's soul. There is an intimacy which is not of a sexual kind that you will have to discover and work at. Some old couples are known to be able to sense each other's emotions and opinions without saying a word. Don't wait until you're old to reach that level. When you look into each other's eyes you should be able to agree on your common goals and trust each other enough to leave the fine details to each other's interpretation.

Do not betray each other's privacy by discussing over the phone matters that should remain within the marriage. Make the most of every opportunity to learn together and maintain a teachable spirit. There will be no shortage of untold pressure to test you but as long as you remain together in heart and mind and seek the face of God together He will take you from strength to strength. This is something no-one can teach you. You will have to write your own story for yourselves. We are all looking forward to read the first chapter.


Sorry That I Exist

by Bruno Deshayes on 30 Mar 2017 permalink
It has sometimes a surreal effect. It's like being a fly on the wall and watching the world go by without you. You force yourself to attend a family function and you realise that the world has moved on without you and it seems nobody really cares.

You might muster the utmost effort to maintain contact with your estranged folks but for all intents and purposes you might as well be dead because for them there is no intent or desire to know where you are at.

Doing life together is a dynamic thing. Unless you share again some sort of activity with those you are disconnected from - there is no interaction flowing again.

If your future is obscured by some stumbling block you might fall back into trying to fix your past - the very thing nobody can achieve. The past is past and you can't go there and redo it again.

As far as work is concerned - the longer you stay out of work the harder it is to get back in. Employers would rather poach key people from a competitor rather than give the one who needs a job the most a fair chance. Trying to leverage transferrable skills is another way to be met with rejection especially if you are going through a recruitment agency. They are trained to look at the negatives in order to thin down a pile of 200 applicants into a manageable shortlist of 5 or 10. Anything that puts you out of the square will label you as a misfit.

Gone are the days where every candidate who applied for the position received a polite letter advising them that "in this instance we decided not to proceed with your application" but "we wish that you succeed in securing the role that you are after..."

You are left wondering what went wrong. Were you undercut by someone willing to work for next-to-nothing? Did someone actually get hired at all? Did an acquaintance of the firm bypass the queue and got the position ahead of everybody? Did a former worker return back from a stay overseas? Lack of feedback is a dreadful thing for someone struggling with rejection. You have nothing to go by, insofar as improving your current approach to the problem.


Predicting the Future - Four Tips to Hone Your Intuitive Skills

by Bruno Deshayes on 23 Mar 2017 permalink
Some people look at the sky one evening and they can tell you exactly whether it will rain tomorrow... can this be done about the economy or politics? Maybe - but not by staring at the sky...

Nobody is left who lived between the two World Wars to relate to us what it was like and what were the signs approaching...

The Great Depression of the 1920s lasted over ten years and was followed by the rise to power of Adolf Hitler in Nazi Germany. If history has the habit of repeating itself this current recession could well last another 5 or 10 years and usher the rise to power of the antichrist - the champion of globalisation, dividing the planet into ten regions under the umbrella of a revamped UN mashed European Union and combining all religions into one. It doesn't take a genius to see it is just around the corner.

So what would constitute four easy pointers to watch for?

Globalisation: Every time an industry is uprooted by unfair foreign competition we lose a piece of our independence. Every time we give up something as a nation we were quite capable of doing ourselves we become enslaved to global trade for our sustenance. Nations are being robbed of their identity. When elections worldwide turn into a popularity contest you can see how people are eagerly waiting for some charismatic figure with a compelling propaganda to make the great deal of the century (a 7 years peace treaty between Israel and its neighbours...)

Political correctness. Unnatural ideas are being pushed onto people under the guise of "tolerance" and "diversity" and "equal rights". New mumbo jumbo words are being coined to labels things we do not understand nor can control. Carbon footprint, bio-diversity, global warming are terms that were unheard of 10 years ago.

Collapsing birth rate in the western civilization. Within 20 years the next generation will be missing in action. Governments are panicking that there won't be enough taxpayers to fund all the looming pensions soon due to be paid to people who live longer and longer. Their answer is to open wide the doors to immigration. This creates social and racial unrest as the newcomers do not integrate in the society.

Destruction of the family unit. The divorce rate is so high that an entire generation of children is coming up - not having experienced the loving care of a stable home, and looking up to the role models of a man and woman committed to each other for a lifetime. People will enter adulthood with issues - not the strength to cope with any challenge.

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