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No cause for conCERN

by Bruno Deshayes on 02 Mar 2017 permalink
I was driving to my next appointment when suddenly my car fell into a sinkhole in the middle of the road. Instantly I was thrusted into an alternate dimension.

I saw a nutrino playing with a bambino. They were protons whizzing by at the speed of light.
I saw a quark playing hide and seek with the elusive Higgs-boson. It had disappeared into a blackhole but you could still hear the antimatter heaving like a panting runner.

There were Pterodactyls, Pteranodons & other flying dinosaurs.

I saw Dr Felps’ Cyclotron spewing out nano particles from its brass horn. They looked like M&Ms with many bright colours. A fat graviton passed by, mustering them all into its field of attraction. When they came close enough he gulped them all in one fell swoop and then emitted the most obscene burp.

Several electrons were having a spat - firing lightening bolts at each other. A sticky gluon was spreading its tentacles trying to grasp the innocent bambinos. As we passed through yet another ring magnet we got a jolt of acceleration and were all squished into a tiny space.

Then we passed in front of a massive window. On the other side were scores of scientists wearing white gowns and dark rimmed spectacles. Some were looking straight at us. Others were sitting at some computers in the background - all engrossed in their experiments. One had dismantled a microwave oven and was playing with the magnetron inside. But because it wasn't an enclosed area anymore the popcorn wouldn't pop. It was a breach of protocol and he was promptly escorted out by security agents wearing hazmat suits. On the wall was a chart of the Standard Model and you were summoned to state which particle you were. I passed myself off as an x-moron.

Back in my tunnel I saw a photon holding up high a 7 branch candelabra. There was a procession under way. I heard the music of wind chimes and suddenly I was sucked into a wormhole at an amazing speed. This shaft of dazzling bright light was pulling me upward with an incredible strength. Then my vision blurred and when I regained consciousness I was at my destination. All I had to do was to reverse into my favourite parking spot. I looked at my watch. I had arrived actually half an hour before the time of my departure.


More oneliners, please

by Bruno Deshayes on 17 Nov 2016 permalink
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I find common sense not to be very common.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


Remember to laugh - it's good for you

by Bruno Deshayes on 29 Sep 2016 permalink
What does the wife of a public relation expert say when she cannot sleep at night? "Tell me again darling, just what is it that you do for a living?"

Of course Michael Jackson is alive... I just heard him sing on the radio..

I have been consolidating all my debts. Now each month I just have one bill I cannot pay.

Hey I will be a father in August. I just don't know how to tell my wife.

A PR consultant wants to impress his first client coming to his office by saying on the phone to someone else: "We are so successful I just won't be able to start on your campaign straight away..." then he turns to a young man who walked in the office and asks "What can I do for you?" the young man says "Nothing I'm just here to hook-up your phone!"

Fat? He is so fat when he travels by train he has to buy two tickets.

Fat? He is so fat he bought himself a car with the steering wheel in the middle of the dashboard.

My wife likes fiction rather than non-fiction. So I never tell her the truth.

I really have to acknowledge this about my wife: whenever she's right, she's the first one to admit it.

A tree surgeon recently opened a branch in our neighborhood. The local paper says: "... injured himself critically after falling out of one of his patients."

I was an only child - I learned to play hide and seek with myself.

I'm a free spirit. I have no hang-ups whatsoever!
This explains why my clothes are always on the floor.

Ugly? She's so ugly her licence mentions she can only drive at night.

I was so drunk I fell asleep precisely when my head hit the accelerator.

My wife sometimes runs a garage sale so we can meet with people of similar appalling taste.

Passionate? You can tell how passionate she feels by how she digs her fingernails into my wallet.

The tax system is odd. You pay tax in 2010 on money you earned in 2009... and spent in 2008.

Another thoughtful and inspiring mother's day gift: the ride-on vacuum cleaner.

Poverty: I started out with nothing and I've got most of it left.

Blessed are those who aim for nothing for they shall not be disappointed.

Being caught in traffic: entering a roundabout only to find out all exits have a wrong way sign.

If you haven't got a belly ache by now, here is more of the same:
Laugh on me
Some handy one-liners to entertain your guests
For your health's sake - stay away from hospitals!


Laugh your head off

by Bruno Deshayes on 15 Sep 2016 permalink
world of lonelinessHad a dream I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

Doctor, why is it that my nose runs and my feet smell?
Well, why don’t you try the other way round : Smell with your nose and run with your feet !

In these last days there are many monsters roaming the earth. I heard of one who didn't have a body - only a nose. I asked "What's her name?" I was told "No Body Nose".


Laugh on me

by Bruno Deshayes on 04 Aug 2016 permalink
What does the cannibal say after eating a clown? It tasted funny.

Mary took her pony to the vet. The animal is now in a stable condition.

Why couldn't the pony talk? He was a little horse.

What do cows read to their calves at night? Dairy tales.

What does the unloved pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.

Why don't anteaters get sick? They are full of anty-bodies.

What do you call two dinosaurs who pranged their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humour? Laughing stock.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain before and bought jewellery.

What's the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Judge: "Do you have anything to offer to this court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No, your Honour, my lawyer took every penny!"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, tree surgeons debarked, models deposed and dry-cleaners depressed?

An accountant suffering insomnia visits his doctor. "Have you tried counting sheep?" "I think that's the problem. I make a mistake then I spend three hours trying to fix it!"

"Doctor, I think I need glasses." "You certainly do, Sir. This is a fish and chips shop."

A woman bet her local butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. "Nope" he said "the steaks are too high."

Employer: In this job we really need someone who is responsible.
Job applicant: I am definitely your man! In my last job every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible.

CEO at AGM: Ladies and gentlemen, last month we were teetering on the edge of a precipice. Today I am proud to announce we are going to take a great step forward.

A boss asks an employee if he believes in life after death. "Why do you want to know?" asks the employee. The boss replies: "Because while you said you were at your grandmother's funeral, she popped in to see you."

A woman got a job as a historian only to realise there was no future in it.

Boss: "I'm going to mix business with pleasure."
Employee: "What's that?"
Boss: "You're fired!"


Tickle my funny bone

by Bruno Deshayes on 07 Jul 2016 permalink
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until she knows absolutely everything about nothing...

The government promised me a stimulus package... instead I got a raft of measures.

A woman turned me down for a date... I had to explain I wanted to have dinner with her - not having her for dinner.

"My passport photo does not do me justice." "You don't need justice - you need mercy!"

French people do not like fast food. They eat snails instead.

"I can't find what's wrong with you - must be the drinking or something..." "I'm sorry to hear that doc, what about if I come back when you're sober?"

The drought forced a farmer to turn his field into an auto-parts junkyard. From that time on every year was a bumper crop.

What do you call a lump of metal, wiggling at the bottom of the sea? A nervous wreck.

If God is watching us... we'd better be entertaining...

If you're feeling unwanted or insignificant... try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.

I told my shrink I thought I was a dog At my next appointment he wouldn't let me up on the couch.

I never drink coffee at work I toss and turn at my desk all day.

A divorce lawyer put on his sign Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.

Marriage is the way to stop people fighting with strangers. Divorce is the way to get custody of your sanity.

I've been sacked from every job I've ever had At least you can't call me a quitter.

He's not a complete idiot ...some parts are missing.

I've got an inferiority complex. But I say it's not a very good one...

He never treats a woman like an object. But occasionally he treats an object like a woman.

The magic hasn't gone out of our marriage. He still disappears every few weeks...

Ours was a mixed marriage. She was perfect and I wasn't...

My ex-wife said she wanted to dance on my grave. So I arranged for a burial at sea.

She said she was sick of me. Undeterred I bought her a get well card.

She was so nervous on our blind date. When I picked her up she put the seatbelt around her knees.

I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.


Politically Incorrect Rubberneckers

by Bruno Deshayes on 21 Mar 2016 permalink
Have you ever looked in bewilderment at our ever changing landscape?

One day you find gay men wearing pink ribbons to commemorate breast cancer day. Will they be followed by lesbians wearing blue ribbons to collect donations for prostate cancer research?

Information channels know by now that it is too expensive to gather original news material. Instead they recycle twitter feeds or report on the latest buzz grovelling across social media. They let themselves be hijacked by minorities to push they agendas propaganda.

Here comes SuperMom who had a menopause plus a divorce and now wants to castrate grumpy old men. Will she be the first woman to walk on the moon or the first woman to be the next UN Secretary-General?

What about the minorities who cant speak for themselves? A upstart lawyer is taking on a pro bono basis the case of the stray cats and de-roofed possums. Did you know that cats and dogs can be the beneficiaries of a will and can be covered by health insurance? With driver less cars they will be able to commute from home to the pet parlour for a shampoo with grooming and curls.

What about Old Mother Earth? Have you ever felt being made guilty for pollution, global warming, and threatened ecosystems? If the petrol lobby had not quashed the advent of the electric car some ten years ago, the parking lots of every shopping centre would be fitted with power points to recharge while you shop. The passing of the Carbon Tax and its subsequent cancellation in Australia is a memorable tale of a tug of war between the liberals and the conservatives. Again technology may come to the rescue. Did you know that people have isolated a bacteria that can digest plastic? What about the viral video of a grizzly bear making out with a full dumpster at the back of a Canadian restaurant?

What about marriage inequality? Men want to get married to get a maid, a cook and something warm to cuddle in bed on a cold winter night (aka hot water bottle). Women want to get married to change their name, to show off in a wedding gown, to have access to your bank account and to have someone to take the trash can out.

What about exposing the appalling treatment of women within Islam (which in English means submission)? Are they so beaten up that they have to cover their entire body while seen in public? Whats wrong with pork anyway? The smell of bacon and eggs makes me salivate. Im glad I am not a Jew.

What about churches softening their stance on biblical precepts? Can homosexuals be saved? Do they have to repent of their sin first? What are the signs of the impending rapture ?

Being politically incorrect is going to be the trademark of those who choose to standup against the onslaught of liberal propaganda. Very soon there will be a day of reckoning. Which side will you be on? Wont it be too late to change your mind?


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