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5 Things Women Are Looking For In A Man

by Bruno Deshayes on 18 May 2017 permalink
A big heart "Good Samaritan"

A man who is not so caught up in himself that he has compassion for the plight of those who cross his path. Someone who is not so selfish as to have the leisure to consider the welfare of others. If he already treats strangers well he is likely to treat you well also.

Integrity "Man of his Word"

A man who honours his pledge no matter how uncomfortable that might be down the track under pressure. By implication if he can do that then he will stick to his marriage vows. Someone who is brave enough to last for the long term. Someone who doesn't spend his time watching over his shoulder. Someone who has the courage to finish the race he has started.

Companion "Quality Time"

A man who can get down on his knees and laugh with the children - even if they are not his children. A man who can play and tell bedtime stories. Someone who doesn't get bored with human beings and knows when to turn the TV off. He plays sport with his mates rather than watching sport on TV. He enjoys playing tennis with you if you ask. He does it not for the sake of tennis but for the sake of sharing life together no matter what the activity might be (even shopping).

Attention and focus "Listening Ear"

A man who does not rush to fix your problem. Someone who is wise enough to pick up on your issue and give you an alternate point of view without forcing his ideas on you. A man who is not taken off guard by a feminine mindset but who respects it, protects it and cherishes it.

Leadership "Setting Direction"

A man who can set and achieve all sorts of goals not just by himself but also by getting others involved. This is the authority you naturally want to submit to - not because you have to - but because you want to. Someone who has done his homework about long term goals and can correct his mistakes.

Wedding Speech

by Bruno Deshayes on 06 Apr 2017 permalink

I honour you as the next generation. Those of us who have almost ran our race pass the baton over to you and wish you all the very best. It is a courageous thing to get married these days in a world that has clearly lost its marbles - yet you are very wise in making a lifelong commitment to uphold each other and do life together.

Make sure you guard your quality time together and with the Lord. A couple who can worship together at home is a couple who will be able to tune-in to the voice of God. Sometimes the Scriptures alone do not give us a clear path to go to. It is a humbling experience to find that God sometimes chooses to guide you through a picture, a word or a dream given not to you but to your spouse.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment to uphold and build up each other. It is the bedrock of society where we learn management and social skills - where we raise children in an environment of peace, trust and protection giving them both a male and female role model to look up to. No wonder the family is under attack in our society because some minorities are itching to root out Christian values from our institutions while the majority is doing next to nothing to protect them.

Men are blessed with a logical mind and can work tirelessly on a distant lifelong goal like a career, building a house, etc... Women have a great intuition, share their emotions openly and can handle multiple tasks all at the same time. Use those attributes to complement but not to undermine each another. God made each one of us lopsided so that it is only when we come together that we are complete. If you have issues with that - talk to Him. After all He is your Creator.

Do not try to change each other either by brute force or by constant nagging. Instead ask yourself: How can I facilitate my husband to become the man God intended him to be? How can I facilitate my wife to become the woman God intended her to be? Develop the discipline of turning off the TV, the internet and put the phone on hold while you look into each other's soul. There is an intimacy which is not of a sexual kind that you will have to discover and work at. Some old couples are known to be able to sense each other's emotions and opinions without saying a word. Don't wait until you're old to reach that level. When you look into each other's eyes you should be able to agree on your common goals and trust each other enough to leave the fine details to each other's interpretation.

Do not betray each other's privacy by discussing over the phone matters that should remain within the marriage. Make the most of every opportunity to learn together and maintain a teachable spirit. There will be no shortage of untold pressure to test you but as long as you remain together in heart and mind and seek the face of God together He will take you from strength to strength. This is something no-one can teach you. You will have to write your own story for yourselves. We are all looking forward to read the first chapter.

Have you found a good reason to do life together?

by Bruno Deshayes on 23 Feb 2017 permalink
Warm feelings will lead you astray. Unless you are passionate about a lifelong goal to reach together, you have no business entertaining a relationship with somebody.

That goal could be as simple and as challenging as being the provider/nurturer for a safe family environment. That being said, you will face scores of obstacles that will stretch you no end. The problem is not what you will do together when things go well - what will you do when things go sour (yes, they will, you can bet on that...)

It's easy to love somebody when you get what you want out of the relationship. The issue is how can you and your partner gauge what your behaviour will be like under pressure.

Introducing a concept rarely heard of in our selfish, fast-paced, get-it-now world of the 21st century: unconditional love. No more "I love you as long as you make me feel good" kind of thing. Unconditional love means that you put somebody else's interests ahead of yours. Ouch! That's a high calling! Some men enter marriage as boys and only gain maturity when they find out that the welfare of a little bundle of life is totally dependent on them. Some women are quite confused with their identity in the corporate world until they fall pregnant and their body chemistry and mindset changes radically to prepare themselves into raising a brand new human being.

If raising a family is the reason you want to get married, it is a most worthwhile goal that will fulfil you to the max. If you enter into a relationship thinking that having children is a distant option in the future and you have no specific reason to walk through life together except having fun, you will fail - guaranteed!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you avoid pain, discomfort, challenges, etc... you will never grow up and will remain a selfish introverted little sod - not the material for a lifelong relationship. Others will do well to avoid you...

If you need two incomes instead of one to make ends meet you are living beyond your means. You put yourself in a situation where a slight mishap could jeopardize your goals. The day of reckoning will come when you realise the values you held dear may not be worth the effort. At the same time the values you discounted as optional extras are the ones that will see you through a difficult patch.

Make no mistake. This generation is greatly unprepared for what is to come. The good times of the baby boomers are over well and truly. There is nobody left around to tell is how they survived the Great Depression of the 1920s.

Even saving for a lifetime to buy your own piece of real-estate is no longer a reasonable dream. Why buy something that could halve in value? But where do you live in the meantime? What about finding out what people need the most (not iPhones or plasma TVs, something more tangible and long lasting than that) and setting out to provide that commodity as your life long goal together? What about practising what unconditional love really means to you?

Fools Falling In Love 101

by Bruno Deshayes on 26 Jan 2017 permalink
This is the one event where a man does not try to process a woman with logic. Something just hit him. He has no clue what it is. He suddenly has the sublime intuition that on his own he is lopsided and that with her, he can become complete.

There is a woman-shaped hole in his heart that only the seductress can fill. He will break a path to her door. In Latin countries you are supposed to take a donkey and a guitar and ride under her balcony and serenade her until she nonchalantly drops the perfumed handkerchief that was tucked between her breasts. Never mind the neighbours. In that culture when a man is in love with a woman the whole village knows about it for obvious reasons. Anglo-Saxons on the other hand are supposed to kneel down and propose with a diamond ring. A whole industry has a vested interest in perpetuating that tradition. I suppose if they also hired guitars and donkeys they would have all bases covered...

Courtship is the art of seeking a woman's affection usually with the hope of marriage. Ballroom dancing was invented to teach women how to walk backwards - utterly relying on the lead of the man they would trust for the rest of their life. Without vision mirrors she goes in reverse totally un-phased at how many walls, pillars or other couples they missed in the journey.

Of course dancing can lead to kissing - which is a way to get two people so close to each other that they can't see what's wrong with them!

Some women conceive courtship akin to an obstacle course to test the skills and resolve of the pretender. They include non-verbal clues as a cheat sheet to give unfair advantage to the favourite. Unfortunately some men compute that if a woman can't express herself with words it's probably not worth listening to her...

It is sad to see some people setting themselves as "dating life coach" to take advantage of those on the rejection heap. On the other hand God is the best matchmaker. Those who are in Christ know He has a sense of humour and knows how to get people to cross paths without feeling manipulated. In fact there are scores of testimonies where people relied on God to find their mate - which in turn released God to perfectly answer their prayer.

Falling in love is the most un-foolish thing you can ever do. Making yourself vulnerable and accountable to someone of the opposite sex is the most risky and rewarding decision you will ever make. Many have despised the day their missed to tune-in to the song of their mermaid. Instead of shipwrecking themselves on the island of bliss they sailed on in a dark ocean of loneliness and unfulfilment.

Emotional Abuse Exposed

by Bruno Deshayes on 13 Oct 2016 permalink
Emotional abuse is a powerplay for the control of your mind. It does not come from someone who is a stranger rather that control uses an existing relationship to manipulate you - let it be a parent/child, husband/wife or boss/employee relationship.

The abuse operates because you cannot easily break out from the relationship. It takes hold over a period of time through repetition. The scars remain long after the abuse has stopped (ie - you take that hurt with you into adulthood).

The manipulation operates through words, through actions or through neglect. The abuser is often a victim of abuse and repeats the pattern of behaviour learned from the past generation. To the offender, manipulating you is a way to prop up their low self-esteem and their un-fulfilled life at your expense. What should be a win-win situation is now a lose-lose situation.

Through words spoken the abuse is things like: being always right, judging you, calling you names, making fun of you, lecturing you, reminding you of every detail of your past and lastly isolating you through complete silence.

Through actions the abuse can be a perfectly regimented lifestyle, threats and outbursts of anger, opposite swings of mood taking you by surprise, a perfect personality in public and an outrageous character at home, favouritism towards your siblings, finally chores or responsibilities a child should not bear.

Through neglect the abuser treats you like you do not exist, or is physically missing from the house or cuts out all emotional interaction.

Emotional abuse is an attack on your identity as a person. It prevents you from intimacy. It can be the root cause of anger and depression (which is really anger directed inwards). As you are unable to express yourself, take risks in relationships and enjoy life you become self centered and tend to magnify your problems. In turn you are likely to dish out the same abuse you have suffered.

So what is the way to break the vicious circle of abuse? Well, there is someone who knows you very well and loves you very much. Once your relationship with Him is restored then your relationship with yourself will fall into place and your relationship with others will blossom. So who is that person? Well you know Him already but I guess you need to have a second look.

Maximise5 says:
Sounds very much like my last girlfriend.

Disrespectful wives and unloving husbands

by Bruno Deshayes on 18 Aug 2016 permalink
People who are in a relationship for themselves find that they are not getting a good deal while those who seek to meet the needs of their partner find out that we are wired quite differently.

For a man the main currency is respect. How can you establish your leadership in the home if your authority is under-valued by no other than the one who should be the president of your fan-club?

For a woman the main currency is love. Not sexual intercourse but a steady stream of non-verbal clues that he cares for you and your well-being is always on his mind. How depressing can it be when he says: "I told you at your birthday that I love you! Why do you need to hear it again constantly?"

"Vive la difference!" God in His infinite wisdom made us complimentary - not similar. So how can you leverage the untapped potential of your marriage? For some unfortunately I should rephrase it as: "How can you pre-empt the next clash and rebuild a better foundation?"

Doing life together is an adventure, a risk, a challenge, a step into the unknown. There are things in life that you will never learn at school, things that your mother never told you about, things that you will have to workout for yourselves.

The one and only question that really matters is this: "Are you committed to make this marriage work?" "Are you in it for the long-haul?" "Are you committed to your mate through hail, rain or shine?"

Unless you are fully committed to each other you have no-where to go together. Once you realise it is more blessed to give than to receive you will learn to trust that your goodwill will not go in vain.

Being just flatmates in the same accommodation is no way to run a marriage. You have to be sold-out on a common goal for the marriage to stick. You can bet your resolve will be tested indeed. You might see a happy couple at a social function but you may not want to swap places because precious little did you know about the ordeal they might have gone through together...

As iron sharpens iron a married couple have to grow-up together. Your whole life together is not meant to be a static experience but an obstacle course where each step makes you more understanding, and may I say more loving and more respectful of each other.

The bottom line is this: If you value somebody so much that you have made the commitment to share your lives together then it stands to reason that you would refrain from doing the things that person dislikes and endeavour to figure out how to do perfectly the things that person enjoys from you.

Love And Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Can you love people as they are?

by Bruno Deshayes on 15 Mar 2016 permalink
One of the fastest ways to ruin a relationship is to relentlessly try to change somebody else. Try to change yourself and see how you go... (How promptly can you set and achieve goals for yourself like losing weight, saving money, etc...) If you can't even do that what makes you think that you will succeed at changing someone else?

One of the hallmarks of true love is the ability to accept the person as he or she is - warts and all. Unconditional love is rather uncommon in our society. We always try to leverage our affection on some pre-conditions. Yet true love is what everybody is craving for. The underlying issue is that true love delivers acceptance.

We need to be accepted by others for our self-esteem to rise. In turn this releases us to be our best. So here is the catch twenty two: manipulative love stifles self-esteem which in turns blocks self-fulfilment.

Some have gone the way of life coaching or worse neuro linguistic programming which is a clever cover-up for self-hypnosis when we had the answer all along in the bible. This old book is replete with stories and examples of unconditional love and the benefits thereof.

Fear and faith are mutually exclusive. People dare not use those words these days. They talk about hang-ups and motivation instead. Anything that can steer you away from Judeo-Christian values is a good thing it seems... But that does not make the problem go away. Risk taking is a character strength. In fact you cannot do anything in life without taking a risk. Stepping out in the street or turning on a light switch involves taking some risk. You do it unconsciously because your experience confirms that the risk is minimal or non existent.

So what about taking risks with people? That means putting somebody else's interest ahead of yours. Wow! What a statement in a world that worships selfishness - the trilogy of me, myself and I. If people would operate in that realm it would turn dating and recruitment interviews upside down. People would say; "What can I do to make you enjoy this special day?" or "What could our company do to release your full potential if you were to join us?"

Bad things happen to good people for no fault of their own. No matter how people try you cannot control your circumstances. Why not let go and trust God instead? You could be in the prime of life and marry somebody who five years down the track will become disabled. You have two choices: dump the partner and find someone else trying to silence the guilt of your conscience through drugs or alcohol. The alternative is to face your challenge and learn to live by faith not by sight. Those who have an easy life learn nothing. Hollywood is a showcase of those who have it all and are a hollow shell inside. Stop dreaming in front of the TV watching the wrong role models. Welcome to the real world where real people take real risks.

Robert says:
Thank you so much for this article. It has provided a very very timely key to a problem I am facing!!!



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Bruno Deshayes

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