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More oneliners, please

by Bruno Deshayes on 17 Nov 2016 permalink
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I find common sense not to be very common.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


Laugh your head off

by Bruno Deshayes on 15 Sep 2016 permalink
world of lonelinessHad a dream I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

Doctor, why is it that my nose runs and my feet smell?
Well, why don’t you try the other way round : Smell with your nose and run with your feet !

In these last days there are many monsters roaming the earth. I heard of one who didn't have a body - only a nose. I asked "What's her name?" I was told "No Body Nose".


Politically Incorrect Rubberneckers

by Bruno Deshayes on 21 Mar 2016 permalink
Have you ever looked in bewilderment at our ever changing landscape?

One day you find gay men wearing pink ribbons to commemorate breast cancer day. Will they be followed by lesbians wearing blue ribbons to collect donations for prostate cancer research?

Information channels know by now that it is too expensive to gather original news material. Instead they recycle twitter feeds or report on the latest buzz grovelling across social media. They let themselves be hijacked by minorities to push they agendas propaganda.

Here comes SuperMom who had a menopause plus a divorce and now wants to castrate grumpy old men. Will she be the first woman to walk on the moon or the first woman to be the next UN Secretary-General?

What about the minorities who cant speak for themselves? A upstart lawyer is taking on a pro bono basis the case of the stray cats and de-roofed possums. Did you know that cats and dogs can be the beneficiaries of a will and can be covered by health insurance? With driver less cars they will be able to commute from home to the pet parlour for a shampoo with grooming and curls.

What about Old Mother Earth? Have you ever felt being made guilty for pollution, global warming, and threatened ecosystems? If the petrol lobby had not quashed the advent of the electric car some ten years ago, the parking lots of every shopping centre would be fitted with power points to recharge while you shop. The passing of the Carbon Tax and its subsequent cancellation in Australia is a memorable tale of a tug of war between the liberals and the conservatives. Again technology may come to the rescue. Did you know that people have isolated a bacteria that can digest plastic? What about the viral video of a grizzly bear making out with a full dumpster at the back of a Canadian restaurant?

What about marriage inequality? Men want to get married to get a maid, a cook and something warm to cuddle in bed on a cold winter night (aka hot water bottle). Women want to get married to change their name, to show off in a wedding gown, to have access to your bank account and to have someone to take the trash can out.

What about exposing the appalling treatment of women within Islam (which in English means submission)? Are they so beaten up that they have to cover their entire body while seen in public? Whats wrong with pork anyway? The smell of bacon and eggs makes me salivate. Im glad I am not a Jew.

What about churches softening their stance on biblical precepts? Can homosexuals be saved? Do they have to repent of their sin first? What are the signs of the impending rapture ?

Being politically incorrect is going to be the trademark of those who choose to standup against the onslaught of liberal propaganda. Very soon there will be a day of reckoning. Which side will you be on? Wont it be too late to change your mind?


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