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Laugh on me

by Bruno Deshayes on 04 Aug 2016 permalink
What does the cannibal say after eating a clown? It tasted funny.

Mary took her pony to the vet. The animal is now in a stable condition.

Why couldn't the pony talk? He was a little horse.

What do cows read to their calves at night? Dairy tales.

What does the unloved pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.

Why don't anteaters get sick? They are full of anty-bodies.

What do you call two dinosaurs who pranged their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humour? Laughing stock.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain before and bought jewellery.

What's the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Judge: "Do you have anything to offer to this court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No, your Honour, my lawyer took every penny!"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, tree surgeons debarked, models deposed and dry-cleaners depressed?

An accountant suffering insomnia visits his doctor. "Have you tried counting sheep?" "I think that's the problem. I make a mistake then I spend three hours trying to fix it!"

"Doctor, I think I need glasses." "You certainly do, Sir. This is a fish and chips shop."

A woman bet her local butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. "Nope" he said "the steaks are too high."

Employer: In this job we really need someone who is responsible.
Job applicant: I am definitely your man! In my last job every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible.

CEO at AGM: Ladies and gentlemen, last month we were teetering on the edge of a precipice. Today I am proud to announce we are going to take a great step forward.

A boss asks an employee if he believes in life after death. "Why do you want to know?" asks the employee. The boss replies: "Because while you said you were at your grandmother's funeral, she popped in to see you."

A woman got a job as a historian only to realise there was no future in it.

Boss: "I'm going to mix business with pleasure."
Employee: "What's that?"
Boss: "You're fired!"


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