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Some handy one-liners to entertain your guests

by Bruno Deshayes on 20 Apr 2017 permalink
When my wife discovered I was using the sofa as a trampoline, she hit the roof.

I told a dwarf a joke - it went right above his head.

I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.

She said she was sick of me. Undeterred I bought her a get well card.

My ex-wife said she wanted to dance on my grave. So I arranged for a burial at sea.

The magic hasn't gone out of our marriage. He still disappears every few weeks...

He's not a complete idiot... some parts are missing.

I never drink coffee at work but I toss and turn at my desk all day.

I told my shrink I thought I was a dog. At my next appointment, he wouldn't let me up on the couch.

If you're feeling unwanted or insignificant... try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.

If God is watching us...we'd better be entertaining...

I bought myself an iPhone, I bought my son an iPad and my daughter an iPod. Finally I bought my wife an iRon.

The drought forced a farmer to turn his field into an auto-parts junkyard. From that time on every year was a bumper crop.

French people do not like fast food. They eat snails instead.

My passport photo does not do me justice. Someone said: "You don't need justice - you need mercy!"

A woman turned me down for a date... I had to explain I wanted to have dinner with her - not having her for dinner.

The government promised me a stimulus package...instead I got a raft of measures.

In a volatile market you want to make sure your liquid assets don't go down the drain.

All the toilets have been stolen from police headquarters. At this stage detectives have nothing to go on.

A giant hole has appeared in the middle of Main Street. Authorities are looking into it.

What does the mayonnaise say to the fridge? Close the door, I am dressing!

I knew a man who was so fat, as a volunteer fire-fighter he would put out fires by just sitting on them!

Seventy per cent of the earth surface is covered with water. The remaining thirty per cent is mostly covered with mortgages.

I have opened an account at a no-frills bank. There are no security cameras. Instead the security guard draws a sketch of everyone who walks in.


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